I have been trying for a while to give the in-depth story and it isn't coming so let's try the abbreviated one. My elementary years were not in any particular faith. My family is Native American and so we shared what would be old wives tales more than anything. I don't look Native American where other members did. They were considered Native American and I was not. I was an outsider looking in.
I accepted Jesus as my savior around 7th grade during a Summer camp. I went on to lead bible studies in High School. I dreamt of becoming a missionary to 3rd world countries, teaching them alternative farming methodologies. I graduated High School with 2 years of horticulture and 5 years of foreign languages. It is crazy at how fast you lose your vision when life is in turmoil.
THE FIRST PRINCIPLE AND FOUNDATION
From the Spiritual Exercises [23] of Ignatius of Loyola
A LITERAL TRANSLATION
by Elder Mullan, SJ and edited by Rick Rossi, March 2015
God created human beings to praise, reverence, and serve God, and by doing this, to save their souls.
God created all other things on the face of the earth to help fulfill this purpose. From this it follows that we are to use the things of this world only to the extent that they help us to this end, and we ought to rid ourselves of the things of this world to the extent that they get in the way of this end.
For this it is necessary to make ourselves indifferent to all created things as much as we are able, so that we do not necessarily want health rather than sickness, riches rather than poverty, honor rather than dishonor, a long rather than a short life, and so in all the rest, so that we ultimately desire and choose only what is most conducive for us to the end for which God created us.
I cannot tell you how deeply profound St. Ignatius writings above. This is a complete game changer for me. When I take my eyes of God, I stray.
I took a look around me after High School and I saw all of these sinners claiming God's name. A foster father who molested me... who was the associate pastor of my church. I dated my youth pastor... greed, sexual abuse, destruction of others while seeking one own's pleasure.
But people aren't God. If you have your eyes on people, even if they are God's people you are going to stray.
And so I turned away. I began studying paganism. Things weren't right though.
And I returned to the Lord. And I once again saw the avariciousness of my Christian Leaders. Turning the Church into a business model. Outreach is shopping in exclusive stores. Second things became first things as I turned my eyes to the Lord's people instead of the Lord.
And so I turned away.
I threw myself into paganism becoming a community leader. God is the God of Truths. There are so many truths in all the things around us whether or not they have God's name on it. Each one of these truths leads us back to God.
843 The Catholic Church recognizes in other religions that search, among shadows and images, for the God who is unknown yet near since he gives life and breath and all things and wants all men to be saved. Thus, the Church considers all goodness and truth found in these religions as "a preparation for the Gospel and given by him who enlightens all men that they may at length have life."
I added Tibetan Buddhism into the mixing pot of my beliefs. I spent some time studying at a Tibetan monastery in Nepal. I have a much beloved Lama. And the Lord takes delight in the goodness that is around us when this leads us back to the heart of God. We often falter in our steps, but our hearts are yearning for him.
And things started lining up. Making sense. A path was created to lead me back to God. Unexpectedly Christian books would end up on my library list. I would hear something or read something that would be like, doh! It's like a really long love story where the guy gets the girl after the scales fall from her eyes.
My Buddhist love for detachment is also a Christian love for detachment... as long as it stays second and doesn't become a first thing. My Buddhist love for rote prayers is also a Christian love for rote prayers. My Buddhist love for sacrifice because Christ's love in his sacrifice.
I do not currently have a spiritual mentor, but I am praying for one. I possibly would not have gone off the rails in the above situations if I had one. A good spiritual mentor would have pointed out that I took my eyes of the Lord. Although, the First Principles listed above caused something in my brain to click that I now understand what it means to take your eyes off the Lord. Y'all I'm slow.
Write yourself a new story where you can see God's work in your life even when you walked away.
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